


I Was the Instigator, You Were the Reason Why

by thornfield_girl



Category: Justified
Genre: Coming Out, First Kiss, First Time, Friendship/Love, Hand Jobs, M/M, Oral Sex, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-27
Updated: 2012-01-27
Packaged: 2017-10-30 05:15:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/328136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thornfield_girl/pseuds/thornfield_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Boyd has something big to talk to Raylan about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was the Instigator, You Were the Reason Why

Raylan was sitting in the passenger seat of Boyd's truck, waiting for him to come back out of his house with the liquor and whatever else he'd wanted to stop here for. It made him nervous, sitting here on the Crowders' property; as far as Bo was concerned, he might as well be Arlo, and that was never a good thing. Raylan had been feeling nervous even before they came here, anyway, because Boyd had been acting fucking weird ever since they finished their shift. When he'd asked Raylan if he wanted to come and drink with him, he'd seemed strangely on edge, almost as if he thought Raylan might say no. Raylan almost never said no to that, or to Boyd, so it didn't make much sense. It felt like something was up, but he couldn't imagine what it could be. 

Boyd came through the door and jogged over to the truck. He had a small gym bag with him, which he put in the truck bed before getting in.  
"Took you long enough. Can we get the hell out of here before your daddy comes home, please?"

"He won't be back for awhile. It's Bowman you need to worry about anyway. My daddy would just try to intimidate you, at least the first time, but Bowman might actually hurt you."

"What does your brother have against me, anyway? I don't think I've spoken ten words to that boy in my life."

"Bowman believes whatever our daddy believes, and besides that, he's got a thing for little miss Ava and he knows she's got a thing for you."

"I've never touched that girl, she's way too young."

"I know that, Raylan. Bowman ain't quite such a gentleman as yourself, unfortunately."

Boyd started driving and didn't say anything else for a few minutes. Raylan didn't care where they ended up, really, but he asked anyway.

"Where do want to go, anyway? It's nice out, we could go for a swim."

Boyd looked uncomfortable again, and shook his head. 

"Nah... I kind of just want to sit somewhere and drink tonight."

"Something wrong, Boyd?"

Boyd tightened his hands around the steering wheel and kept his eyes on the road. 

"Just something I need to talk to you about."

"Did I do something to piss you off that I'm not aware of?"

"No, Raylan. You didn't do a thing, and I'm not pissed off."

Raylan didn't say anything else, and eventually Boyd found a spot to park the truck. They got out and walked around to the back of the truck. Boyd grabbed the jar of moonshine from his bag and opened it up.

"You want to hike a while and find somewhere to sit?"

"If it's ok, I'd just like to sit in the truck. I said I needed to talk to you, Raylan, but if I wait too long I won't do it. 

"Jesus, Boyd. You don't have to be afraid to tell me anything."

"You say that now, but..."

"Do I strike you as the kind of person who says things I don't mean?"

"No, but - ."

"Listen to me. I don't make friends very easily. I don't trust a lot of people. In fact, you're pretty much it as far as that goes. So if you killed someone and need help burying the body, I'm your man. If you stole a kilo of weed off Mags Bennett and need help driving it out of state to sell, I'm your man. If you - "

"I like guys."

"What did you say?"

"I like guys, Raylan. I'm a fag. You see now? I wish it was just a dead body."

Raylan looked at Boyd for a few moments, not saying a word. Then he shook his head slightly and said, "Don't say that, Boyd."

"Don't say what?" 

"Don't say 'fag.' Don't say it like that, like it's something to be ashamed of."

"You're saying it's not?"

"That's what I'm saying, yes."

"That ain't a very popular view around these parts, Raylan."

"One more reason to get the fuck out of here."

"You... " Boyd trailed off. He looked bewildered, as if he had thought of a hundred ways this conversation could have gone and none of them had come close to this.

"I don't know. OK? I like girls. I've always liked girls. But then you... Jesus Christ, I just don't know. But whatever it is, Boyd, it ain't my fault, and it ain't your fault."

"Whatever it is? I know what it is, Raylan. Are you saying that you... What exactly are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I never looked at a guy like that until you came along, but now I can't get you out of my head. But that ain't why I think it's bullshit. I thought that already. Why should anyone care? How's it hurting anyone?"

"You really don't belong here, do you."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you, ain't it? Nobody fuckin' listens."

They both sat quietly, neither one really knowing what to say. Raylan felt a little unsure about his own confession. Boyd had confessed to something much more non-specific, and hadn't actually said that he liked Raylan in particular. Normally, Raylan was not the insecure type - had never been given reason to be - but this was different from... anything. 

"Raylan... I don't know how you turned out like you did with Arlo as your daddy, but you are truly the best man I've ever known.

"I'm not as good as you think I am. I have a lot of hatred in my heart, Boyd."

"You hate people for the evil they do, not for who they are."

Raylan just shook his head. 

"Do you really think of me... that way, Raylan?"

Raylan looked at him and nodded.

"Can I kiss you, then?"

Raylan nodded again, slowly, his eyes never leaving Boyd's face. 

They were sitting about a foot apart, so Boyd slid himself over until they were almost touching. He reached up and placed a hand on Raylan's shoulder, leaned forward and kissed him firmly on the lips. For the first few seconds, Raylan was taken by surprise by how it felt, how different it was from anyone else he'd kissed before. He wasn't sure he liked it much. Then Boyd laid his hand on top of Raylan's thigh, and he was no longer concentrating on what was different. He didn't care that he could feel stubble on Boyd's chin or the hard line of his jaw. He suddenly noticed how skillfully he was moving his tongue in Raylan's mouth, and how confidently he moved his hand from Raylan's shoulder around to the back of his neck, squeezing gently and rubbing his thumb behind the ear. 

Raylan realized that he'd just been sitting there, letting Boyd kiss him, doing nothing to contribute. It was unlike him, but he figured he deserved a pass just this once. He reached up and slid his hand around Boyd's ribs to his back and pulled him in tighter. Boyd reacted to this action by breaking the kiss and drawing in a sharp gasp. He breathed against Raylan's cheek for a moment, and then moved both of his hands up to Raylan's shoulders and pushed him back slightly. 

"I think we should stop."

"Wh... what? Why?"

"Raylan... you don't... I'm afraid you're gonna hate me if we do this. I'm afraid maybe we already did enough to make that happen. I don't need you to do this for me. I can't lose you as my friend, especially not now."

"Boyd, what are you talking about? Didn't you hear me before? I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it because I want to."

"You said you never... Raylan, it's a little bit daunting to be the only one. It feels like... like I'm somehow making you. I don't want to take advantage of your... affection for me, or whatever it may be."

Raylan laughed sharply. "Affection? Is that what you think this is? Well, I do feel affectionate towards you, I guess. Also... I think you're brave. You didn't have to tell me what you did, I had no idea. Why did you?"

"Because I wanted you to know me, Raylan. Because we're friends, but it made me feel bad to have your friendship under false pretenses. I wanted to know if you could still be my friend if you knew the thing about me that scared me most of all. I wanted to know if you'd be scared off by it."

"Well, I ain't."

"I know, I still can't believe it."

"Sure you can. That's why you told me, right? You must have thought it would be ok."

"I thought it might be. I didn't expect this."

"Boyd, you didn't make me do anything. I've been trying to figure out how to let you know for awhile now, anyway, in case maybe it was something you wanted too. I just didn't know how to do it. It didn't occur to me to just... tell you."

"That's because you didn't have to. You have options. I don't, not really."

"So is it just that you like guys, not that you want me in particular?"

"Since when do you need to fish for compliments? Of course I want you, don't be a fucking idiot. But it's you. If we start this... Raylan, I'll fall in love with you. I hope that don't make you feel too uncomfortable, but you need to know. Whereas you, you'll probably end up getting distracted by some cute little cheerleader in a month or two, and you'll feel bad about it, and you'll avoid me, and everything will go to hell. We won't be friends anymore. And I can't have that."

"Nope. It won't go like that."

"Yes, it will."

"Boyd, how many times have I turned you down for a date?"

"What are you talking about?"

"How many times have you asked me to go for a drink, or fishing, or for a hike, or for a drive, and I've said no?"

"Not too many times."

"Hardly ever. Never when I could help it. Why did you think I wanted to spend so much time with you?"

"The scintillating conversation?"

"That's part of it. Mostly, I just felt like I wanted to be close to you. You make me feel... "

"Safe."

"I was gonna say happy. But yeah, that too."

"Me too, Raylan."

"So... can I kiss you, then?"

"If you must."

Raylan kissed him, trying to do it in a way that would communicate his full consent and participation in what was happening here. He held Boyd's face in his hands, thumbs brushing over Boyd's sharp cheekbones, and kissed him thoroughly, not roughly but without constraint. Boyd held Raylan at the waist, and as the kiss went on, he slid his hands under Raylan's t-shirt and goosebumps formed under his fingers. Boyd was kissing his neck now, trailing little lines behind his ear and down to his collarbone with his tongue, and it was all Raylan could do not to push Boyd down into the truck bed and climb on top of him. He didn't think he should do that, though, not with Boyd's fears being what they were. They weren't entirely baseless, for that matter. Raylan wasn't sure how he was going to feel about any of this tomorrow. He didn't think he'd end up hating Boyd - couldn't imagine ever hating him - but maybe once he was no longer too horny to think straight, he might feel uneasy about this whole thing. He wouldn't throw away their friendship though, he knew that much. 

The decision was taken out of Raylan's hands a moment later, when Boyd moved a hand from Raylan's side, down his hip and between his legs. Raylan let his breath out with a small, "Uhhh," and turned his body in toward the contact. 

"Raylan."

"Please don't tell me we need to stop now."

Boyd laughed breathlessly and said, "No, we're not stopping. I just need to say this, then I'll shut up and we can get on with it. If this is the only time, I'm ok with that. Don't feel like you have to pretend or do anything you don't really want t - "

"Oh for fucks sake, Boyd, shut up. Goddamn, stop treating me like a fucking girl. I'm not gonna cry rape tomorrow, ok?"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Here... does this help?"

Raylan wrapped his arm around Boyd's shoulders and gently pushed him back into the truck. He straddled Boyd's thighs and lowered himself down, kissing him slowly and rubbing a hand up and down Boyd's chest. He pressed their hips together, not grinding, but wanting Boyd to know how much he wanted this now. Boyd's eyes were closed, but when Raylan sat up to open his jeans, his eyes flew open. 

"What are you doing?"

"Uh... I don't know, Boyd, I thought we were planning to have some kind of sex?"

"Yeah. I just didn't think... OK."

Raylan shook his head in bemusement and continued to undo Boyd's fly. 

"Don't you feel better now? That can't have been comfortable."

Boyd's eyes flicked down to Raylan's crotch. "Looks like you oughtta know." 

Raylan just nodded and unbuttoned his own jeans, pushing them down over his hips. He lowered himself back down, sliding over to Boyd's side. Boyd leaned over and started kissing him again as he started moving his hand down Raylan's body, very slowly, stopping to run his fingers over Raylan's chest, and ribs, and coming to rest on his stomach. Raylan made an exasperated sound and grabbed Boyd's hand, pushing it down to where he wanted it. Boyd rubbed him through his underwear a few times, then reached inside and wrapped his hand around Raylan's dick. He never stopped kissing while he did this, and Raylan realized that it hadn't taken very long at all to get used to the feeling of Boyd's mouth on him. In fact, at that moment, it felt just right, so he reached up to the back of Boyd's head and kissed him harder, kept kissing until his control started to go. He whispered to Boyd as he started to lose it, said _That's perfect... so good... so good, oh my god..._ and then buried a sharp cry in Boyd's neck as he came. When he lifted his head up again, Boyd was looking at him warily. Raylan knew why, but this was ridiculous. 

"Boyd, stop looking at me like you think I'm gonna run off. That was great, ok? Fucking fantastic. I can do the same for you. I can even... what do you want me to do?"

"You can even what, Raylan?" Boyd was looking at him curiously now, maybe even a little bit amused.

"Well I ain't gonna let you fuck me, but I'll do whatever else you can think of."

"Jesus, Raylan, I wasn't thinking of that at all."

"OK, so what then?"

"Really?"

"I said it, didn't I? Why is it so hard for you to believe me?"

"It's not that I don't believe you, I'm just kinda fucked up about this whole th- "

"Stop. I know what you want, so just be quiet and let me do it."

Boyd looked at him in amazement, but stopped talking. Raylan kissed him hard, then quickly moved down to pull Boyd's cock out of his shorts. He shut down as much of his brain as he could, and tried to think of the fact that he was doing this for Boyd, that it might make him feel better about things, and not about the fact he was about to have a guy's dick in his mouth, or that if anyone happened to see him doing this he'd have to leave town that very night. He put just the head into his mouth, and Boyd made a sound that Raylan had never quite heard before, but its meaning was clear. He took more of him in, still focusing on his main objective in this: make Boyd feel good, make him stop worrying, make him stop doubting Raylan's intentions. It occurred to him that he had been doubting his own intentions just a short while ago, but apparently that had changed without him noticing. From the sounds Boyd was making, and how hard his cock was, Raylan could tell he wasn't going to have to do this for very long, anyway. He had no illusions about his own skill at this task, but it didn't seem to matter. Boyd grasped Raylan's shoulder and Raylan choked a little bit as Boyd strained upwards into his throat. Raylan heard his own name in the form of a groan coming from Boyd's mouth, and he couldn't hold back a smile at that. It made him feel good, he couldn't deny it. He laid down next to Boyd, arms stretching up behind his head.

"I cannot believe you just did that, Raylan."

"Yeah well, I guess we're both full of surprises tonight, Boyd."

"Maybe I can return the favor some time."

"What's this maybe bullshit? You bet your ass you're gonna return the favor."

"So you want to..."

"Boyd, so help me. The only way this is not going to happen again is if you keep treating it like it's me doing you a fucking favor. What do you think, I give out blow jobs to all my friends?"

"What friends?"

"Fuck you, man."

"You can, if you want."

"Really. Well... I'll certainly bear that in mind."

"I want to thank you, Raylan."

Raylan let out a frustrated sigh.

"No, I don't mean for the blow job! For what you said, when I told you. And what you said before I told you - thank you for meaning that."

"I did mean it... but please, don't steal anything off the Bennetts, ok?"

Boyd laughed and then went silent again for a few moments.

"I know you want me to trust you, Raylan, and I do, as much as I can. I'm just not accustomed to giving anyone that kind of power over me. It goes against everything I was taught, and everything I learned on my own, for my whole life."

"I understand that. You know I do. I might end up hurting you, Boyd, I can't promise I won't. But I won't do it on purpose, I'll never do that if I can help it. You might end up hurting me too, have you considered that possibility? We don't know what's going to happen here."

Boyd looked at Raylan for a few moments, and then kissed him. 

"Thanks, Boyd."

"What for?"

"For trying to trust me."

"Oh, that. You're welcome."

**Author's Note:**

> Work title is from "The El," by Rhett Miller.


End file.
